Your Preeminence, Most High, Highest of Highest, Emperor of Emperors, Father, Grandfather and Great-Grandfather of the Empire, Your Excellency, Greetings Sir! I lie face down as I very humbly and indignantly write this memo to your Preeminence, sir. I implore you in the name of God of Heaven who is your partner and friend. I recognize you as the god on earth and I am sure that the God of Heaven with whom you share space on earth will let you consider my request sir, knowing full well that I am shaking as I write this memo. All the people of my clan will be eternally grateful to your pre-eminence for giving me the rare opportunity to serve you, sir, and your interests as the figurehead of the President-Servant of the Chancery. I will forever adore you, sir, for entrusting all of your empire’s slush funds to my compound to look after on your behalf, sir. Permit me, Emperor of Emperors, to tell the reason why I have little courage to write to your Excellency Sir. I know that my father’s father would not dare to write a letter to your Excellency sir. But please do me a favor sir. I’m on my stomach sir. If you see me sir, you’d think I’m a lizard or a wall gecko.
The reason I’m writing this memo, sir, is to draw your attention to what’s going on with the Bank, sir. I know that all around Your Excellency are cowards and they will not tell you the truth about the state of your Empire’s finances. They continue to flood my office, sorry sir, the office you have appointed me to hold in trust for your preeminence, with letters of demand. Just this week sir, they ordered me on your behalf sir, to send 50 billion Dallas to Burkina Faso, 23 billion Dallas to Sudan, 90 billion Dallas to the President of Frenchville and 8 billion Dallas to Mali. I’m not sure sir, if they tell you sir that they are virtually forcing me to send 10 billion Dallas every month to Niger and Chad and your grandfather’s widows in Wadai. The budget office ordered me to release 40 billion nara to feed the children in the empty classrooms, sir. The same budget office ordered me to release 2 billion nara to buy a stock of toothpicks for the emperor sir’s personal use. And forgive me, sir, for complaining that your government secretary collected 16 billion nara to cut the grass. Yes sir, we have a rat in my village called sir grass cutter.
Your Preeminence sir, father and mother of the Empire sir, I don’t know what to do now sir. The treasury is almost empty sir. I’m not sure, sir, if they let you know that we have a lot of debt that our great-grandchildren and their own great-grandchildren will never be able to repay, sir.
I dare not give an opinion sir or make suggestions sir.
May God in heaven, your good friend and companion keep you, our god on earth, in good place.
lying face down,
I remain Your Excellency’s most faithful Serf and Servant.
Upon receipt of the memo, the Emperor summoned his chief of staff and demanded an immediate response. The chief of staff who was slightly above or above the genuflecting president-servant asked to be given an hour to draft a response on which he wrote the following:
Dear Mr Moonshine Slavkovich,
His Preeminence, the Emperor of Emperors, has received your memo which has been deemed rude, intrusive, suggestive, abusive and irresponsible. Why should you disclose how much money the Emperor of Emperors sends to his cousins or partners or to his friends and relatives? Is it your father’s money? Never again in your life should you consider writing a memo to His Preeminence. What gave you the audacity? What gave you courage? What drugs were you on before writing this memo? Are you aware of the security implications of the memo? Have you thought about the diplomatic implications? Have you taken international dimensions into account? Who are you? Who do you work for ? Now that your belly is full and overloaded, you want to join forces with politicians to set the Empire on fire?
Let me warn you: if you leak the contents of these memos to the press, I’m sure you know what would happen to you and your family members. Even if you choose to flee the Empire, our borders are secure from troublemakers like you. We also have Interpol. We are going to you Kenya. We will bless you! Regarding the tasteless content of your Memo, we will take all necessary measures to ensure that you will never know how much money is entering the Empire or how much money is leaving it.
Wait for further instructions.
Have a good day.
His emperor’s chief of staff.
Return to the Emperor
The Chief of Staff returned to the Emperor about two hours later and prostrated himself face down at the feet of the Emperor of Emperors.
“I have written a project sir, Your Excellency, our father.”
“What do you want me to do with it?” His Excellency wondered.
“Just to let you know sir. We know you don’t like to read”.
“So what is it?”
“Just your order sir. Just tell us what to do sir”
“What is this stupid boy talking about?” »
“He says you are sending too much money to your cousins and your grandfather’s widows, Your Excellency”
“Is he crazy?
“I’m sorry to say, Your Excellency, the boy has joined the politicians who chew weed and snort cocaine, sir”
“Isn’t it paper money the boy is complaining about?”
“No problem. Get the best and latest printing machines in the world and assemble them in the other room of the palace. Got it?”
“Perfectly well sir”
“This boy can’t be trusted anymore.”
“Exactly, Your Excellency Sir”.
“Did you say I couldn’t be trusted too?” Did you say “exactly”? the Emperor was confused.
“No sir, Your Preeminence. My father’s father dare not say it sir.
“All of our currency, dedicated documents, passports, voter cards, birth certificates, citizenship documents, everything, everything, and you know what I mean, everything must be printed in-house here under my direct supervision. We will do all we have to do is my empire inherited from my ancestors.” The Emperor let go.
“You are right sir”. The Chief of Staff smiled and shyly shuffled his feet out of the Emperor’s lavish salon.
New qualifications for the position of monarch include, but are not limited to, [a] Smoking hemp and snorting cocaine, [b] Prison release certificate [c] Record of massive thefts of public funds, especially from customs and other government agencies, [d] Expertise in thug and street brawl.
Between an elephant and a whale, which is bigger?
Of those on this list, which one is the most dangerous?
[a] Hallelujah people? [b] Heavily bearded, heavily turbaned people with the longest rosaries? [c] Cultists? [d] The politicians? [e] Retired politico-military officers? [f] The Terrorists? [g] Kidnappers? [h] Thugs ? [I] Cowards?
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